WTF??!!

Trippin’ over: Angry Johnny by Poe

So i have been pretty bored lately and i don’t know what possessed me  but i decided to stalk the social media of my ex. You see, we broke up like effin’ years ago and i haven’t seen him like since forever. I just want to clarify that despite the messy break-up (we were young back then,and so i blame our naiveness), i don’t feel any bitterness nor any unreciprocated love for him. As i scroll his account, i realized that maybe i hunted him down just to see if he is doing okay. Although we no longer have any communication (his social media btw is open to public,that’s why i was able to see it). I DO wish him the best in life. At one point in my life, i shared to him my love and a part of me. At some point in my life he became the most important person in my life.

Do i regret having him in my life? No. I learned many things from him. The things and moments we shared will always have a special place in my heart. Maybe i do regret some of my decisions back then, but maybe things are really not meant to be between the two us.

The thing about past relationships, ex, failed love; despite all the messy breakups, unsolved conflicts; there will always be a connection. I honestly wish him the best in life because he deserves it. I wish him happiness and love because he deserves it.

i am a nurse

Trippin’ over: Cool Girl by Tove Lo

I am a nurse. I have been one since I passed the licensure exam last 2007. I have been practicing my profession for more than 6 years. Quite long?! Some would say it is, for others it may seem like I am still just starting. Sometimes, I feel like I have aged because of my career, other times I feel like a young kid in this adult world.

When I was still young, I used to dream of becoming a doctor. I would dream of wearing the glamorous white coat with a shiny stethoscope around my neck, scribbling down in a prescription pad. I would dream of walking around the halls of a hospital with residents and fellows following me around. But circumstances changed and I ended up as a nurse. I still got my dream of working in a hospital (and I have this fascination with the sterile eerie feel and disinfectant smell of hospitals). The course of my life may be different from what I envisioned when I was still young, but I have a few realizations after practicing my career for quite some time.

for me, nurses are the unsung heroes of the hospital. we are the soldiers who are in the frontline, ready to  fight for the patient. Nurses are advocate and defenders of the patients, though some patients sees us as enemy. We are given little credit for all the things we do, yet we would gladly do it all over again; because we are nurses.
Here is the list of my rants and raves as a nurse. Enjoy!

1. Nurses are not doctors’ maids. Yes, I repeat, we are not maids of the doctors. I do respect the years the doctors spent cultivating all the knowledge they have, and the years they spent studying. I know they are only human; I know they also get irritated, tired and sleepy. I give my outmost respect to those doctors who respect and appreciate nurses. Yes, we may not be as knowledgeable as you, we may not know things that you know; but we are not your maids. Do not expect that for every change of dressing that you do, you could just leave all the mess you used. Please, have some decency to throw those trash you’ve used into the bin; it is just near you. The sharps that you used, please, have some decency to throw it properly, some of us might get pricked. Do not expect us to follow all your orders blindly. I know that you know a lot of things, but we have the right to question your decisions if we deemed that it will be harmful to our patients. We do not just follow all your orders; we also think of the rationale behind them and I think we have the right to question your judgement if we deem that you may be wrong. We respect doctors but you also have to respect us. I believe that we are a team who wants only the best for our patients, and with that please try not to bark orders as if we are your slaves and we will not be rude to you. respect us, and we will respect you.

2. Sometimes we are drained.  Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually drained.  I work a 12-hour shift. Most of the times I do not go home immediately after my shift ends. Those hours I spent after my shift are unpaid. Those hours are my sacrifices for the profession I chose. My duty does not stop once my 12-hour shift ended, I still have to endorse my patients to the incoming shift, I still have to make sure that my patient is okay, carry-out and facilitate the orders made by the doctors, and I still have to document all the things that happened during my duty.

   Physically most of the time we are abused. Sometimes I did not even peed for 12hours just because I have to do so many things. The lunch I am entitled to have? I ate my lunch at 5pm while checking the charts. Physically, nursing can be really exhausting and sometimes people do not see the sacrifices we do in order to make sure that our patients receive outmost care. Sometimes, patients or even relatives harass us. Sometimes they get mad at us for things we have no control of. The linens are not changed immediately? I am sorry but it is the housekeeping job to change it, and I still have 20 other patients to attend to. The bill was not yet finalize? I am sorry but I already closed your account an hour ago, forgive me if the billing section has not yet finalized your bill. Nurses are the front-liner in the hospital; every queries and complains of the patients are thrown at us. Sometimes despite all the efforts we do, despite all the care we rendered, some may not see it as enough.

3. The pay is never enough. I am lucky to be employed in a good company. I am lucky that the compensation is slightly higher than those who work in private hospitals. I consider myself lucky but the pay is not enough to ensure that I have sufficient savings for my future. It is not enough for me to start a family. It is not enough to make sure that I could live comfortably in the future. It saddens me that most nurses here opted to work in other countries. They preferred to work far from their family because the compensation for nurses abroad is so much higher than working here. I admire those who endure being far from their loved ones, just so they could give a brighter future for their family. I hope there will come a time that nurses will no longer need to work in another countries and leave their family behind.

4. We do not spend our time just writing. I once overheard a patient’s relative say that all nurses do is write in the chart. I was so pissed that I spoke and replied that documenting was one of our least priority. Some may not know that charting is the last thing that we do. Yes, we write stuff in the chart because we have to document all the events that happened in our shift. Yes, we scribble in the chart because we carry-out all the orders of the doctors and we have tons of forms to fill-up. We do not spend the majority of our shift just sitting down and writing. Documentation often times are the last thing that we do. We prioritize patient care first and ourselves last.

5. We miss our family. For the past 6 years I spent 4 new year’s eve and new year’s day at the hospital. This year I would spend christmas’ eve and Christmas day at the hospital. We work during the holidays. We go to work despite the storms and floods. Most of the time we miss spending holidays with our families. Sometimes travelling and vacation is not an option for us. Sometimes we even spend our birthdays at work. Most of the time, we rarely see our families because we go home late and we wake up in the wee hours of the day. For me my day-offs are carefully planned to spend time with my family and friends. During holidays when we have to work, we try to bring the festive season at work. We try to make our holiday duties a little happier and try not to think of our families.

   

6. New experiences and learnings. Every time I go to work I learn something new. I am fortunate that I am employed in a company who gives importance in making sure that its employees continuously learn, by giving free seminars. I would like say that every day is a new learning experience for me to hone me to become a better nurse.

7. The smile of patients and relatives are more than enough. Despite all the sacrifices we do, despite not being able to eat for 12 hours, one grateful smile from the patient is more enough for me. It still melts my heart whenever a patient or a relative appreciates all the efforts I made. Those grateful smiles and unspoken gratitude given by the patients are more than enough payment for all the sacrifices I made. The happiness and contentment I feel whenever I made a little difference for my patients is what makes me stay and in this career.

8. Friends. I am very fortunate to find rare crazy friends in this crazy world. I think we grew close not only because we like the same things, but because we appreciate one another. Friends for me, are those who always have your back, who walks beside you in just about every time, whom you can share your life and will still accept you despite all your flaws. I call my work friends playmates because despite the heavy workload, the toxic duties, working with them seems to help me view things a little brighter, it makes my work more fun.

   

 

Despite the long hours, the abuse, the toxic duty and heavy workload; I am glad I am a nurse. For me, nursing is not only a profession I chose but  a conscious effort to help make a difference in this world.  So for me, nurses rock!

 

reasons why i am still single

Trippin’ over: Royals by Lorde

 

In less than a month i’ll be turning a year older. another year has passed. another year of learning and memories. don’t get me wrong, i have my fair share of failed relationships; but that’s it, failed. relationships are hard-work, a lot of effort one must put through; a lot of insecurities and doubts, maybe when we get lucky, a lot of love. being single is fun, sometimes it’s lonely but other than that it is my choice.

1. i am still immature. yes at my age, you can laugh at me saying “whattheheck??!!still immature??!!”. but that is exactly the point, immaturity knows no age limits and no boundaries. i like to think of myself as carefree but sometimes i am really just childish; in my decisions, my ways, in my life. i do think being in a relationship entails one to be mature enough to think other than one’s self. maybe i am just not ready for that.

2.single is fun! yes, single-hood is fun. i get to rest and be a couch-potato every rest days. i have all my free time to do just about everything or nothing without having to worry that someone is waiting for me or someone is worried for me. i get to be with my friends and plan get togethers without fear that it may conflict with the anniversaries, dates and other things. my time is all mine. but sometimes having all the time in this world is also lonesome.

3. it saves me money. yes being single saves me money and effort. money that if i am in a relationship will be spend to loads for my cellular phone. i mean being single, i don’t have to text anyone, i am not mandated to reply to someone. i have all my free calls and texts. single-hood saves me from all the effort one puts through when you are in a relationship. effort to think of inventive dates, gifts and so on.

4. i get to focus on my family. i know family should be our first priority; but sometimes when i am in a relationship, family tends to be at the backseat. now, i can be more conscious to things that my family needs and i get to spend my time with them.

5. no drama. most of my relationships require drama. i don’t know why but a good dose of drama is okay to spice things up; but overrated drama?! it drains me, it leaves me insecure and all my fears and doubts resurface out of thin air.

6. i’m still not over you. i have to admit, out of all the reasons in the world, this surely sucks. i have to be honest with myself, maybe by being real i can eventually let you go. but right now, right at this moment, after 8 months of separation i am still not over you. i have to admit, i still hope that eventually you’ll have your senses and you will realize my lost and comeback to me. but after so many wishful thinking, after every shattered hopes; i know that it may never come true. i am still not over you, but everyday i am trying my damn best to love myself more and to live my life. but yes, i still miss you.. so much..

a fresh start amidst the struggle

Trippin; over: five years by sugar hiccup

it’s been too long, it’s been a gruesome months, it feels like eternity; and yet i still feel the same: broken, lonely, and terribly missing you. i know this sounds cheesy, i know you probably moved on with your life without me; but i still don’t. somehow i managed to stop myself from texting you, maybe that is a start. but i am far from getting over from you. my smiles, my posts may mask my real feelings, but deep down i still want you back. i am constantly reminded of what used to be us, of the memories we shared. i still remember the times when things are far simpler between us, when all we do is laugh, hold each other’s hands and look at one another with overflowing love. and now, i can barely look at you without pain and longing. despite all these i am REALLY happy that you have moved on. i only wish you happiness, even happiness without me. i know you are busy, i know that your life is better without me, and i hope someday we could be friends, or let alone be your friend without me wanting you back.

i am really trying to bring my life back together without you. i got promote, hooray for me! but am i happy about that? i’m still trying to figure out the answer. i am hoping for a brand-new start. a clean slate, but right now even if i haven’t written anything yet, this slate for me is already dirty, and i don’t know why. i am trying to bring peace to myself, i am trying to find myself, but all i see is emptiness and darkness. would there be a light at the end of the tunnel? would there still be hope for me? i don’t know the answers to these questions, i am trying to find myself. i do hope that when i find myself, i will find you. in my heart i know you are the one, but do you feel the same way?